I bought a new Brita on-faucet water filter the other day, because the existing GE one had developed a crack. I chose the Brita because the GE was not available in the store that day, and the Brita was the least expensive. In the previous sentence I should have used the word “cheapest” instead of “least expensive”.

These things all come with adapters to connect them to various faucets, which have different threading. The Brita’s adapters are made out of a substance not unliked used chewing gum, shaped into the rough semblance of threaded tubes. The device cannot be made not to leak. If you turn the fittings tight enough not to leak, the threads on the chewing gum give way and the thing dethreads.

In the manual, they offer to provide new fittings if yours does not “fit” for some reason. I called the 800 number and keyed in the usual 36-digit sequence. I reached a recording that asked me to say and spell my name, say and spell my address, and listen to the playbacks a time or two. At no time did it ask for any information about my installation.

Then it said “Your shipment should reach you in one to three weeks.”

Guess what, Brita. I am not comforted by talking to a machine, I have no confidence that whatever you’re sending will fix the problem and “one to three weeks” is too long to wait to find out. I’m going to have filtered water in a lot less than three weeks, and it isn’t going to be using your product.